The Crystal

Protect Ya Bottleneck...you might get roofied. 

For a non-Greek like me waking up the morning after with a stamp on my hand from The Crystal is about as bad as waking up with a herpe on your lip. For those of you looking for the douchiest bar in Athens look no further than the rhinestone studded gates of Crystal hell. I will be the first to admit The Crystal is probably one of the nicest bars in Athens with its rich mahogany booths and its spacious beer soaked threshing floor, but the specimens of frat douche and sorority bimbo that lurk inside make this bar almost unbearable to be in for anyone with a brain or a sense of self-respect. The Crystal shares a special place in our society alongside Jersey Shore marathons, Adam Sandler movies, midget porn, Nickelback albums, and Fox News as tasteless trash that caters exclusively to the lowest common denominator. 

Amidst the shiny wooden finish, frat-daddies with their neon-colored American Eagle Polo Shirts, and visors turned askew shout mindlessly like some under-evolved species of primate spilling Bud Light all over themselves as well-maintained but very shallow, bossy, and ditzy sorority girls sip on long, thin tubes of iced down girly drinks while fawning mindlessly over their male compatriots' borderline sexual harassment advances. If you are a non-Greek or simply have an IQ higher than that of a toaster don't try to stir up conversation with these girls. Most of the time they will just blow you off as they are incapable of talking about anything but petty drama that most people abandon after high school. I may be profiling when I say this but many of the people here are superficial and 1-dimensional at best. I won't hold it against you if you go here to drink though, even douche bags have rights and freedoms.

A word of advice for anyone going on their shuffle that is not a Greek or has a level of self-respect, when you get to The Crystal, get in, order a drink that won't take that long to finish, and get out as quickly as possible. You don't want the aroma of douche rubbing off on you.The Crystal is that kinda place that is so vile and horrifying that I'm surprised it didn't make an appearance in Dante's Infero. This is the tenth circle of hell. "Abandon all hope ye who enter here."

People who would probably drink here:
Snooki, Donald Trump, Kim Kardashian, any Fox News anchor (except Shepherd Smith), Adam Sandler, the guy from Nickelback, Toby Keith, Mystikal, The Situation, Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin, Hunter S Thompson (He sure is a crazy fuck)

What to order:

Non-Greeks: some quick mixed shot: Washington Apple
Greek: Heinekens and Jägerbombs, chief!